Monday, June 5, 2017

What's in a name?

When I meet people, I get asked quite often "So what do you do" Going by past experiences, depending on how communicative I feel, I reply 

"Nothing" or "Something" (You cannot have teens in your life and not have something rub off on you)

And when they realise that I have zero interest in kitty parties, or gossip or coffee mornings or shopping, they look at me as If i were an alien and whisper "But then what do you do, how do you spend your day?"

That question puts me in a dilemma. Do I give them an hour by hour analysis of my day or do I break it gently to them that I sit there and blink my eyes and 5 hours pass by just like that. 

There are times I turn amnesiac c and I answer " I love to crochet"

Which is the truth. After story writing, paper quilling, painting and blogging, crochet is my current passion. Creating contemporary trendy designs from simple yarn satisfies my creative energies and gives me immense satisfaction.  

I get various reactions to this simple statement.

Reaction 1: " Blink, blink blink, and then a very knowledgable " What's crochet?, aah you must mean knitting?"

I roll my eyes, heave a sigh and hiss ferociously  "NO, it's not knitting, you hear me, knitting is different, DIFFERENT. This is called crochet, it uses a hook and yarn and have you heard of google....hello, come back I was talking?!"

Reaction 2: "Blink blink blink" 
a pause 
and then "but I thought only old people do crochet"

I roll my eyes, and peer at the offending soul who has just realised what he/she has implied. Before I can get myself into sarcasm mode, the person has beaten a quick retreat, thanking her stars that her good sense has kicked in fast.

Reaction 3: "blink blink blink"" and an "Okay" accompanied by a "deer caught in the headlights" look which implied "I have no clue what you are talking about"

That's when the fog of temporary amnesia lifts and I realise the futility of even trying.

So the last time I got asked this, I answered "I'm a yarn artist". After all, my eyes needed rest. Rolling those eyes can get quite tiring, besides there is only that much that they can roll back.

Reaction Magnifique : "WOW! Can I have your card? Do you have a website? What do you do? blah? blah?"

And just like that , with just two words. my image got a makeover. 


Sunday, April 9, 2017

Just another day at the supermarket.

One day, I found myself at a super market. Actually a hyper market. You know, the kind of place where you go for 4 items and come out with 50, most of which you never needed in the first place. The vegetable and fruit weighing sections are generally the most crowded , with everyone clamoring to get their packets weighed and stamped, to be billed later.

So there I was , minding my business, selecting the vegetables and fruits, putting them into packets and throwing them into the cart. That's when I noticed, or rather, sensed him. A guy looking at me intently. I look at him too, and move away.

I wheel my cart over to the soap section, because as usual, there is stuff that needed to be bought a week back.  I see the same man again at the end of the lane, looking around as if searching for someone. "That's strange" I think to myself "Could he be following me?"

Taking tips from all those TV shows, I swerve through alternate lanes, when I see him again on the opposite end. He catches sight of me and walks purposefully towards me. Annoyed  and a bit alarmed by the unwelcome attention, I start walking to the billing counter,  when a thought strikes me and I stop midway.

"Hold on" I think to myself, "Why am I slinking away? He really needs to be put in his place. Some nerve he has, following me around."

I have enough practice, giving people a piece of my mind,  thanks to the teen brigade at home. Compared o them, this should be  a piece of cake.

So I turn around, just in time to see him approaching me. I put on my best scowl, and rehearse a few sharp sarcastic lines, and get ready to snap at him.

That's when he says " Ma'am, can I please have my cart back?!

Uhoh! His cart?!

 A perfect "Mother Earth please swallow me right now" moment.

I look at the cart and realise that I've left mine back at the vegetable section and have been wheeling his all over. I push his cart towards him. Red faced and sheepish, I manage to squeak out an "Ohhh I'm soooo sorryyy!" to no one in particular, considering that the annoyed gentleman is walking away as fast as he can. Of course he needn't have clutched the handle bar of his cart so tightly. As if I'd grab it now!

Ah well, it's been  just another day at the supermarket!

Friday, March 3, 2017

Oops, we did it again!

It is exam season here and I've been working extra hours in the kitchen to satisfy those "I'm hungry' cravings. Understandably, my mood's not that great. So yesterday was a holiday in between his exams and S was sleeping in. I was at my sudoku puzzle, sipping my tea and G, was busy doing what he does best , asking for the zillionth cup of tea. The point I'm trying hard to make here, is that Ive been working hard, very very hard, not hardly like certain people who I live with, would like you to think!

So there I was, listening to old Hindi numbers, and solving my Sudoku puzzle, when my mobile rang. Annoyed at the disturbance, I glanced at the number. Unknown! I generally avoid picking up calls from unknown numbers,because then I have to tell the caller who is generally peddling some scheme or other,  to go to hell, and I do not want to spoil his/her day and mine too.  But this call I did answer, probably because I was in the exam mood and hence jusified in wanting to give someone a piece of my mind. Besides, I've been working too hard for my own good.

Female Caller: "Mrs R?"

Me (in my gruffest tone, already annoyed at the audacity in presuming that I was a Mrs) : "Haan ji?"

Caller : "Mrs R, I wanted to know if S is coming to school today?"

Me(spluttering) : "erm..whaat?"

Caller, patiently " I'm T, his teacher"

Me,( in a total unrecognizable squeak)  :"Good Morning, Mrs. T. No, No, S doesn't have any exam" while my mind feverishly tries to recall his date sheet which he and I had glanced through two days back.

Mrs. T(really really patient) "'am, he has his Art I, Paper today!"

Me: "Are you sure? oops, didnt know. Thank you for letting me know. Sending him right away".

Mrs. T (In a very relieved tone) : "Yes, Im sureThank you," 

She kept the phone down before I could utter a syllable more. Yes, she is a very impatient lady.  I thought so too.

Knowing S would be  shocked, I sprinted off to wake him up, resolving to break the news to him gently.

Threw his bed sheet cover off and shook him, (whaat? that's as gentle as I can be) screaming "Get up, get up, get up, you have your Art paper today"

S : "Amma, don't joke, let me sleep"

"Seriously", I think to myself, " this child has chosen the wrong day and time to be like me!" 

Shook him some more till he got up, still in disbelief that we had forgotten about an exam. Both he and I were convinced that surely his teacher was mistaken. We pored over the date sheet intently and then looked at each other.  Oops, we had looked at next week's schedule. In our defence, who puts Art in between heavy duty subjects like Chemistry and Geography. Who?! It's all the school's fault. Always!

I pushed S to the washroom and sprinted  to the other room and barked at G : "S has an exam today, get the car out"

His eyes popping out assured me that he had heard and I sprinted back to the kitchen to make a sandwich for the boy. And then sprinted back to S and then to G again.

10 minutes later, they were on their way to school, and I heaved a sigh, partly from relief and mostly from all that sprinting. Thought for the day, sprinting in the morning is injurious to breathing. Please don't try it. 

Then I remembered thisand this (click on the links) and I chuckled. Nothing had changed much since then, and the Apple hadn't fallen too far, from this tree either!

I then practiced  a suitably chastened and apologetic expression to face G, when he returned from the impromptu school run.  He should be happy though, both S and I are not likely to forget an exam ever. I have it all planned out. We just need to print the date sheet in bigger fonts. Maybe color codes will help too.

Yes, that should work!

Yes, poor G, indeed!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

The Nostalgia Toast

Nostalgia on a toast!

I loved my summers, which we spent at my grandparents' place in Bangalore. My cousins from Bombay and Coimbatore, my two sisters, and I would spend a few lazy weeks, playing elastic, Hopscotch, bouncing a ball from a pillar and counting till we missed, playing hide and seek, and solving the crossword puzzle of the Deccan Herald and eating!
That crossword puzzle must have started it all. My cousin, and I particularly would compete to see who would get the paper first and solve the crossword. We would try to get up as early as we could, take a shower, gulp down our milk and wait for the newspaper man. Which was a good thing. The not so good thing was, in our eagerness to be the first, we sometimes woke up before 5am, and though my granny never showed it, I'm quite sure those tears i saw were not so much from happiness, but from despair. She must have thought "Oh no the brats are up, couldn't they wait till I had one tiny sip of filter kaapi couldn't they?
And ofcourse, being a grandmom who equated love with food, she had to think of a quick and filling pre- breakfast meal which would please us and yet not distract her from the cooking of the actual breakfast. I remember her in the kitchen, smearing slices from two jumbo loaves of bread, with homemade butter and chutney powder. While they would be toasting on the tawa, she would be washing the grinding stone for the chutney and setting the pressure cooker up. We would be given the very important task of getting the toasted bread to the table. The towers of bread slices would vanish in no time, and each one of us would be in a corner, eating, talking, fighting or reading and of course one of us would be solving the crossword puzzle while the other one would sulk and resolve to get up even more earlier the next morning.
Every once in a while, I make this, not just because I like it but because it takes me back to a world only I know about. My happy place! Today I made it almost the way my doddamma would make it, I curled up on the chair and I savored nostalgia with every bite I took. and Time actually stood still for a wee while.
This is a memory that uniquely binds the seven of us even though we are all in different parts of the world and I'm so glad for it. If this had a happiness quotient that i could rate, I would give it a perfect 100.

Grannies are the best, always!

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The precise art of saying hello!

I looked at her, she looked at me. She came towards me, with a very determined look. I cringed knowing that I would goof up again. Was I sweating? I hoped not!

Was it going to be on the left or the right, left or right?

She inched towards my left while i inched towards her right.

So intent was I on getting it perfect,

that I never realised when she changed directions!

Clash!!! splat!!
*$#& a bruised cheek, an even more bruised ego!!!

Many years back, I had written this after a cheeky air kiss greeting went amiss.  A hello seemed to require a lot of precision and grace, just to safely connect.

Last evening, at the Lohri gettogether at my apartment complex, I realised not much seems to have changed with me, since then. Atleast with the ones I didn't know well.

I seem to have confused quite a few, when I decided to change mid track and offered my hand instead of my cheek. I'm sure kissing my hand was not the greeting they had in mind. And when I thought it was time for a cheeky greeting, I got popcorn and gajak. On my cheek!

So that's why you see all my enthusiasm in my smiles, while I buy seconds and tick all the criteria in my mind : do i know her? distance of a cm, an inch, a foot? side hug, full hug, bone-crushing hug? right cheek, left cheek, no cheek?


I'm kidding. I love you all. And you will be patient with me while I make up my mind, wont you?

Thursday, August 20, 2015

It's hard to say goodbye!

              For the past few weeks, I've woken up with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. The 'before exam' feeling. A myriad of emotions consuming me the entire day, surprising me. I can detect feelings of dread, anxiety, selfishness, happiness, wistfulness, pride and hopefulness. 

               I remember a moment from 18 yrs ago, pacing in the labour room of the hospital, trying to be brave. Trying not to curse all the ones who had raved about babies and conveniently forgotten to mention how excruciating the pain would be. It is a pain that knocks the socks off you and makes you want to punch everyone around you. There's a nurse somewhere who's lived to tell the tale. At one point after a painful spasm, I got up, and told my mom "I can't do this, let's go home". Mom's  fiercest "Have you gone mad?" look and the next spasm sent me crawling back on that bed. It was a long moment of weakness and after 4 hours I managed to deliver a scrawny looking baby boy. That, then, was the bravest thing I had done. Or so I thought. 5 years later I did a repeat performance and had my second son. Proved one thing to me that TIME played its part in dulling the intensity of the "I'm going to kill someone if this doesn't stop" kind of pain and makes you focus more on the "Oooh, look he smiled, he walked, he burped" moments. 

             I had many similar moments of breaking down, recently. Of giving up midway between packing stuff for my 18yrold, who would be leaving home to study in another country. His bags did get packed eventually. And he did leave. And I did smile through it all.

Everyone asks me "So how does it feel, How are you? "

" I miss him", I answer truthfully. 

They console me in various ways:

"At least you have another kid to distract you", they say

"With time, it will pass" they say

"Be happy and proud, he will do well"  they say

"At least you had him this long, mine left at 16", they say

           I am grateful, I'm really proud of him and my mind knows it.  My mind rationalizes with its predictable logic : "It's a good learning experience, he's worked hard for it, You knew this day would arrive eventually. Be happy. It's just a temporary good bye, and he will be home during vacation time." 

That's what everyone says, don't they? 

But how do I convince my heart about it? 
How do i make it understand that things will no longer be the same? 
That 18 years of being together cannot be taken care of with a goodbye and a hug. 
That I will spend the next 4 years and possibly more with a prayer on my lips, of sending positive vibes into the universe, of thinking nonstop: "Please be nice to him, please let him make sweet friends, please let him not fall sick, please this.. please that". 
That it will take time for me to see his empty room and not feel the wistfulness. 
Of seeing his favorite food and not think of him. 
Of cooking meals for three instead of four.
Of having silly conversations
Of troubling him just because I can

          Seeing my 18 yrold off to college, on his way to an independant responsible adulthood, is a 'hard to describe' feeling. You feel immense joy, you feel pain, you want to hold onto the past a bit longer yet you want your boy to blaze ahead. You feel guilty of the time you should have enjoyed him more, than worrying about whether he fitted a particular mould or not. You've started to enjoy his company again and are loathe to let him go, but you don't want to be the one holding him back.

Once upon a time, all I needed, were my arms to keep him safe, NOW, all I can hope for, is the shelter of an unseen hand over him. 

Does it hurt? It does.  Would I have it any other way? Probably not. 

There are so many things that i have taken for granted. There are so many things that I will have to say my goodbye to. And that takes time.

His "whats for lunch today, Amma, hope it's something good?".
His music. 
His dry humor. 
His quiet ways. 
His infuriating habit of leaving his wardrobe doors open because he's conserving his energy! 
His cheekiness. 
His absent minded antics. 
His shrug and his monosyllabic ways. 
His rolling eyes at some 'lame' joke I crack
Those little moments of a day which mean so much to me.
The new stuff he tells me about
The lovely change in the relationship between us

How do i say goodbye to all this and so much more? 

Everyone has their way of handling themselves till their heart and mind speak the same language. My sister never entered her son's room for weeks after he left home for college. Another would spend hours looking at pictures. My younger son is digging through his brother's desk and unearthing treasures. As for me, I write.

And as I listen to my boy's voice over the phone, hearing him talk about his dorm and college, I try to bring a smile into my voice, while a hundred things run through my mind, "He sounds so tired. Did he eat? Has he made a friend? Will he put a sheet on his bed (what?)? ".  Love is such a strange emotion. It makes you laugh and say all the right things, while your heart is breaking inside. 

Motherhood has trained me well. It also brings into perspective my parents' love. Of how hard it must have been for them to let each of us go. Letting my son go is no doubt the bravest thing I have done so far.

Time is magical. Just as it had dulled the pain of labour, so has it filtered my memories of his journey from a baby to adulthood. It has taken away the angst ridden days, and left me with so many happy moments. In a little while I will get used to a new way of living, using modern means of communication to interact with him. It won't be the same but it will be better than nothing. And soon I will be one of those who will console another parent with soothing words of advice.

And in 5 years, when the next one sets out,  saying goodbye will pain just as much. 

And life, from now on, will be a series of 'welcomes' and 'goodbyes', of visits with deadlines.

But then time helps you adjust. And I'm going to take all the time I need.

Because Time is my new best friend.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The pursuit of perfection.

As long as I can remember, there has been this need for perfection.

Sometimes this is a need in me, and at other times, more often than I like, it is how others would like me to be.

Perfection in an image, in perception, in love.

Perfect mothers, perfect friends, children, spouses .

Perfection even in expectations.

That's when things begin to distort themselves.

And things fail, one after the other.

Perhaps that's when I need to look at the gorgeous butterfly and remember how that came out to be.

And see the miracles that is found in everyday life.

And if i don't find that butterfly, maybe I should just close my eyes and take a deep breath. Mist that glass and clear the distorted images away.

and smile.

Because everything can be perfect if you only let it be.

Wondering what brought that on? I'm clueless too.  I found this in my drafts, ignored and neglected. Since my unfinished posts may soon outnumber the published ones, so here goes that finger on the 'publish' button :)